Ever have one of those phases in your life when you just feel SO vulnerable? Spirit cracks you wide open and says, “Have a look!” and the Mystery is so profound that you don’t want to look away or leave that liminal space? That’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks, which is an amazing benefit of working for 3-4 weeks and then taking a month off. I get to recharge and refuel for what’s next, and also get out of teacher/leader mind, reconnect my soul deeply to the Mother, and be humbled by what I don’t know and never will fully come to understand in one lifetime.
Such is the cosmic journey I am on after leaving a conventional family life in favor of one in which I am fully and unapologetically mySelf, mySoul, mySpirit. A gypsy butterfly’s existence, with it’s many pricetags, less-than-stellar mothering moments (What, divorce didn’t cure that?), flittering about, and monkish isolation/cocooning. I’ve been so close to the Source in the past few weeks, even my body is telling me (with no decoder ring required) that BIG CHANGE is occurring. It goes beyond ritual release and shedding, but there’s that, too.
My experience has been that from a very young age, I have been open to what lies beyond our human experience. Having nearly left this world twice by six months of age, I have no cognitive recollection of being tapped in, but I can imagine that whatever I saw and felt out there was a big deal, because it’s been calling me back home ever since. The melodies of songs that have played inside of me for as long as I can remember are coming forth loud and clear now.
Do you ever think about how childhood hardwiring and adaptations cause us to dim our lights down so we don’t frighten anyone away? If you’ve ever heard a message which says, “Don’t show them who you really are”, or “Tone it down”, are you obedient to it? Do you know where it came from? Why does it feel so risky to take off the masks, lay down the sword, shed the armor, and stand up?
Vulnerability is the way. It is the only way that we can feel the touch of the Creator, the depth of the Mother, and have our bellies tickled by the Earth. It can be so hard to strip down, to get naked and purge the excess. It can be so hard to show up fully in your song.
Today is Saturday, which means I ate soup from the saucepan at inappropriate hours of the morning because the wildbabes are with their Daddy. I’ve been working with a slick new skin and staying inside for a few days, out of the world, safe in my shelter, choosing my moment. As I slink and slither with my newly awakened and permissioned sensitivities (on the eve of Boundaries Boot Camp, no less), I am hyper-aware of what composes my environment, where I feel safe, and how I’ll integrate back into the big world again after insulating on this sabbatical.
I opened the mailbox earlier to find a thank you card, and a little medicine gift inside of it. It’s as if the Mystery was winking at me from the vast cosmos inside of a copper-colored envelope, nodding in agreement about the quantum jump I’m taking, and giving me the big ole thumbs up.